An attempt to distract university students in Maryland from late-night drinking with a feature-length porn movie was blocked Thursday after state senators threatened to cut funds for the college.
The two-and-a-half-hour "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" -- the most expensive pornographic film ever made, at a cost of 10 million dollars -- would have been shown at a University of Maryland student union theater on Saturday.
Organizers at the College Park campus, 10 miles (16 kilometers) north of Washington, had championed educational aspects of the screening, with health group Planned Parenthood planning to hold a presentation on safe sex practices beforehand.
The event was also previously seen by university officials as an "alternative to late-night drinking and other dangerous activities," the Baltimore Sun reported before the cancellation.
Republican state senator Andy Harris, however, proposed an amendment to the state budget to deny millions of dollars in funding for any educational institutions that screen a porn movie.
Harris said he had been "shocked and dismayed" to hear the college was going to screen the movie, and denounced what he described as the "dangers of pornography."
He said he was "extremely concerned that the policy of our public colleges and universities would allow 'hard core' pornography" to be shown.
"I am pleased to know that the university did the right thing and canceled this movie. However, I remain concerned that they do not have a policy prohibiting this," the senator said in a statement after the university reversed its decision.
Harris added he was "working to seek assurances that this will not happen again."
The Sun said that during a lengthy debate Thursday morning at the state legislature in Annapolis, Maryland, senate president Thomas Miller indicated he would back Harris' threat to cut millions of dollars in funding.
Linda Clement, the university's vice president of student affairs, denied the cancellation was linked to threats made by state lawmakers.
"No, we canceled the (showing) because the educational context of the movie has been lost in the titillation that's been associated with the movie itself," according to Clement's spokesman Millree Williams.
"That's hard to believe," responded Adam Kissel, director of the Individual Rights Defense Program at the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
The university's claim, he said, was extremely unlikely because beforehand "university administrators had known about it, had expected it to go on and they had no problem with it."
Kissel said his education rights group was "very concerned" about the likely constitutional violation, namely the First Amendment that protects free speech.
"Strictly based on the plot and the trailer, the movie has plenty of action beyond the sexual action -- it has a plot, it has intrigue, just like any movie.
"So it's almost 100 percent certain that the university is violating the free speech rights of the students," said Kissel, noting that a First Amendment case was strengthened because of the educational component of Planned Parenthood's presentation.
Digital Playground, the adult film company behind "Pirates II," said on its website it had already shown the film to thousands of students on several college campuses this year, including the University of California, Los Angeles; Northwestern University in Chicago; and Southern Connecticut State University.
On-campus showings of X-rated movies such as "Behind the Green Door" and "Deep Throat" stirred sensation and controversy in the 1970s and 1980s, but porn has become commonplace on campuses over the past decade with virtually unlimited access to X-rated material via the Internet.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
How I Knew She Was the One
Only time will tell
"It was the furthest thing from love at first sight. We worked at the same company for more than a year without ever talking. But fate took over one night when there was an open seat next to me at happy hour. We talked for more than an hour before we noticed that we had matching Winnie-the-Pooh watches -- a rare find among professionals in Washington, DC! That was when I knew we were destined to be together." -- Patrick Riccards, 28, Alexandria, VA
More Dating Articles from Redbook:
How to Never Take Love for Granted
21 Ways to Say "I Love You" (Without Saying a Word)Plucky girl
"I met my wife just before I turned 30. Ten minutes into our initial conversation, she asked if I'd seen the latest Rogaine commercial. The question was more than a little impolite, since I had lost most of my hair in my early 20s. I quickly concluded that she had either no clue or remarkable pluck. The latter turned out to be the case. I asked her out, and 10 months later we were married." -- Rob DeRocker, 42, Brooklyn, NYFirst came the wedding...
"I was at a wedding, and this beautiful brunette was sitting across the aisle from me with a young girl in her lap. I assumed she was the woman's daughter. At the time, I was single and not looking for a serious relationship, especially with someone who had a child. But I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was something about the way she held the little girl in her arms and the silly way they interacted that captivated me. After the ceremony I lost her in the crowd. By midnight I was about to give up my search when an older woman asked if I had a date. Nervously, I replied no. She asked if she could introduce me to her niece, Mary, who turned out to be my mystery woman -- the girl sitting in her lap was her cousin! Mary ended up becoming my wife." -- Steve Rosa, 37, Rumford, RIClose shave
"I was intimidated by my wife when we started dating because she was older than me and already out of school. One night she cooked a romantic dinner and then surprised me with this aftershave I used to wear in London that I hadn't been able to find in the States.
"It was the furthest thing from love at first sight. We worked at the same company for more than a year without ever talking. But fate took over one night when there was an open seat next to me at happy hour. We talked for more than an hour before we noticed that we had matching Winnie-the-Pooh watches -- a rare find among professionals in Washington, DC! That was when I knew we were destined to be together." -- Patrick Riccards, 28, Alexandria, VA
More Dating Articles from Redbook:
How to Never Take Love for Granted
21 Ways to Say "I Love You" (Without Saying a Word)Plucky girl
"I met my wife just before I turned 30. Ten minutes into our initial conversation, she asked if I'd seen the latest Rogaine commercial. The question was more than a little impolite, since I had lost most of my hair in my early 20s. I quickly concluded that she had either no clue or remarkable pluck. The latter turned out to be the case. I asked her out, and 10 months later we were married." -- Rob DeRocker, 42, Brooklyn, NYFirst came the wedding...
"I was at a wedding, and this beautiful brunette was sitting across the aisle from me with a young girl in her lap. I assumed she was the woman's daughter. At the time, I was single and not looking for a serious relationship, especially with someone who had a child. But I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was something about the way she held the little girl in her arms and the silly way they interacted that captivated me. After the ceremony I lost her in the crowd. By midnight I was about to give up my search when an older woman asked if I had a date. Nervously, I replied no. She asked if she could introduce me to her niece, Mary, who turned out to be my mystery woman -- the girl sitting in her lap was her cousin! Mary ended up becoming my wife." -- Steve Rosa, 37, Rumford, RIClose shave
"I was intimidated by my wife when we started dating because she was older than me and already out of school. One night she cooked a romantic dinner and then surprised me with this aftershave I used to wear in London that I hadn't been able to find in the States.
She went out of her way for me. It had to be love. I guess it didn't hurt that I accidentally caught a glimpse of her postshower, dripping wet and in a green silk robe!" -- Keith Stephens, 34, Dallas, TXHome run
"I knew Hope and I would be together forever when I turned on ESPN's SportsCenter for the first time -- and she didn't ask me to change the channel!" -- Jason Brown, 29, Troy, MIKiss the cook
"Andrea and I were introduced by mutual friends at a midnight breakfast during college. I was immediately struck by her beauty, intelligence, and charm. But an entire month went by before I had the opportunity to see her again. I went to the pub where she worked. When she gave me a free cheeseburger and fries, that sealed it. We were married two years later." -- David DeFusco, 37, Cheshire, CTStand by your man
"Three years ago, to my surprise and dismay, I was abruptly fired from my job. It couldn't have come at a worse time: I had just bought a home and was worried about paying the mortgage. When I told my girlfriend, she told me not to worry and that 'we' would get through this together. It was at that moment that I knew I would never find anyone better. She could have left, knowing it would be hard for me to get another job, but she stayed, and I knew we had what it takes to make a marriage work." -- Chris Watts, 28, Windsor, CTA trip... to the altar
"The first time my girlfriend went on vacation without me, I couldn't get her off my mind the entire time she was gone -- I missed her so much. The moment she walked in the door, I dropped down on one knee and asked her if she would be my wife." -- Brian Shultes, 40, Palmetto, FLInstant fiance
"I met Deborah at a college party. Just after I introduced myself, she informed me that a guy there was refusing to leave her alone. When this guy reappeared later, I casually told him I was her fiance; he was embarrassed and left us alone. Deborah was both grateful and amused, and she introduced me as her fiance for the rest of the night. We started dating, and although we didn't become officially engaged until two years later, we considered ourselves engaged from the night we met!" -- David O'Brien, 29, St. Louis, MOCaught in her web
"Bobbi and I didn't have the standard courtship; we met through an online dating site. We emailed back and forth virtually every day for a month before we met. She was easygoing, warm and honest. When we finally met, it was like meeting a long-lost friend and someone I'd dreamed about at the same time. But it was those first conversations and the fact that her open, accepting demeanor and her outrageous sense of humor could shine through over email that made it obvious she must be the one." -- Mark Bowland, 31, Sacramento, CABreaking up is hard to do
"Susan and I had an eight-year long-distance relationship. We only got to see each other about once every six weeks, and the relationship was turning sour because of the distance. One weekend, we went to the beach with some friends, and I guess I spent more time with my friends than with her. On the ride back we fought about it. We arrived at my house, she packed, and I took her to the airport. After she boarded the plane, I realized how much I missed her; I had to have her in my life." -- Brad Barber, 45, Mebane, NCCatching a wave of love
"My greatest passion is surfing. One day I offered to take my girlfriend to a beginners' spot to help her learn. When we got to the beach, I was itching to taste the 10-foot waves. She immediately recognized my desire and said, 'How about if you go out and surf with your friends while I prepare a picnic on the beach?' I marveled at her generosity and knew right then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her." -- Dan Jenkin, 33, Santa Cruz, CALighthearted in love.
"I knew Hope and I would be together forever when I turned on ESPN's SportsCenter for the first time -- and she didn't ask me to change the channel!" -- Jason Brown, 29, Troy, MIKiss the cook
"Andrea and I were introduced by mutual friends at a midnight breakfast during college. I was immediately struck by her beauty, intelligence, and charm. But an entire month went by before I had the opportunity to see her again. I went to the pub where she worked. When she gave me a free cheeseburger and fries, that sealed it. We were married two years later." -- David DeFusco, 37, Cheshire, CTStand by your man
"Three years ago, to my surprise and dismay, I was abruptly fired from my job. It couldn't have come at a worse time: I had just bought a home and was worried about paying the mortgage. When I told my girlfriend, she told me not to worry and that 'we' would get through this together. It was at that moment that I knew I would never find anyone better. She could have left, knowing it would be hard for me to get another job, but she stayed, and I knew we had what it takes to make a marriage work." -- Chris Watts, 28, Windsor, CTA trip... to the altar
"The first time my girlfriend went on vacation without me, I couldn't get her off my mind the entire time she was gone -- I missed her so much. The moment she walked in the door, I dropped down on one knee and asked her if she would be my wife." -- Brian Shultes, 40, Palmetto, FLInstant fiance
"I met Deborah at a college party. Just after I introduced myself, she informed me that a guy there was refusing to leave her alone. When this guy reappeared later, I casually told him I was her fiance; he was embarrassed and left us alone. Deborah was both grateful and amused, and she introduced me as her fiance for the rest of the night. We started dating, and although we didn't become officially engaged until two years later, we considered ourselves engaged from the night we met!" -- David O'Brien, 29, St. Louis, MOCaught in her web
"Bobbi and I didn't have the standard courtship; we met through an online dating site. We emailed back and forth virtually every day for a month before we met. She was easygoing, warm and honest. When we finally met, it was like meeting a long-lost friend and someone I'd dreamed about at the same time. But it was those first conversations and the fact that her open, accepting demeanor and her outrageous sense of humor could shine through over email that made it obvious she must be the one." -- Mark Bowland, 31, Sacramento, CABreaking up is hard to do
"Susan and I had an eight-year long-distance relationship. We only got to see each other about once every six weeks, and the relationship was turning sour because of the distance. One weekend, we went to the beach with some friends, and I guess I spent more time with my friends than with her. On the ride back we fought about it. We arrived at my house, she packed, and I took her to the airport. After she boarded the plane, I realized how much I missed her; I had to have her in my life." -- Brad Barber, 45, Mebane, NCCatching a wave of love
"My greatest passion is surfing. One day I offered to take my girlfriend to a beginners' spot to help her learn. When we got to the beach, I was itching to taste the 10-foot waves. She immediately recognized my desire and said, 'How about if you go out and surf with your friends while I prepare a picnic on the beach?' I marveled at her generosity and knew right then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her." -- Dan Jenkin, 33, Santa Cruz, CALighthearted in love.
Lighthearted in love
"Lisa and I met 20 years ago at a high school party. Although I fell in love with her at first sight, at the time I wasn't sure why. All I knew is that there was something different about her. Now that we've been married for more than 13 years, I know what it was that attracted me to her: It's the way she looks at life. She has the ability to make everything fun in her own goofy way." -- Phil Lehr, 36, Bergenfield, NJDance fever
"Shortly after coming off a nasty divorce, I was set up with Annette on a blind date. We went to a club with a group of friends. I was disappointed when she ended up dancing with a friend of mine all night. But when the club was getting ready to close, I suggested we go out for one last drink -- and the rest is history. She came home with me, and three days later we were living together. We've been happily married for 10 years." -- Tom Phillips, 50, New York, NYShe drove him wild
"I had been dating my girlfriend for six weeks when we decided to take a day trip to Atlantic City. It was summertime, and what should have been a two-hour trip turned into five hours because of terrible traffic. Oddly enough, I wasn't annoyed at all. The conversation was so stimulating, and she laughed at all my bad jokes! She was the girl for me."
"Lisa and I met 20 years ago at a high school party. Although I fell in love with her at first sight, at the time I wasn't sure why. All I knew is that there was something different about her. Now that we've been married for more than 13 years, I know what it was that attracted me to her: It's the way she looks at life. She has the ability to make everything fun in her own goofy way." -- Phil Lehr, 36, Bergenfield, NJDance fever
"Shortly after coming off a nasty divorce, I was set up with Annette on a blind date. We went to a club with a group of friends. I was disappointed when she ended up dancing with a friend of mine all night. But when the club was getting ready to close, I suggested we go out for one last drink -- and the rest is history. She came home with me, and three days later we were living together. We've been happily married for 10 years." -- Tom Phillips, 50, New York, NYShe drove him wild
"I had been dating my girlfriend for six weeks when we decided to take a day trip to Atlantic City. It was summertime, and what should have been a two-hour trip turned into five hours because of terrible traffic. Oddly enough, I wasn't annoyed at all. The conversation was so stimulating, and she laughed at all my bad jokes! She was the girl for me."
Can Color Improve Your Relationship?
Did you know that color has a quick and powerful impact on the choices you make every day? According to six different studies in the Journal of Science, the color red makes you more detail-oriented while the color blue inspires you to be more creative.
Color impacts every living organism, directly affecting tissues and biological functions. The way the retina responds to color affects the nervous system, and healthy tissue absorbs color differently than diseased tissue. Color can stimulate or inhibit hormone production. In stress management, addressing the five senses creates a powerful synergy for relaxation. For example, combining music with walking outdoors in the light reduces intense stress, and breathing deeply while visualizing the color green promotes healing -- the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Color therapy can be effective because it doesn't rely on words, and we all know how words can rationalize anything. Color releases intimate feelings; your color choices reveal significant details about personality. For example, if your color choices are in sync with your partner's, then your relationship is most likely in sync. However, the more you dislike a color that your partner prefers, the more stimulating the connection. Moreover, smart negotiators know that you can save yourself a lot of purposeless, repetitive arguing by moving the "discussion" to another room painted in a different color. The energy has changed.
What is the color of your relationship? Use the color chart below to interpret or make changes to the way you color your relationship.
Red is bold, energetic, and conspicuous. In many cultures, red is used to chase away evil spirits, suggesting confidence. You are more likely to be alert and accurate about what you are doing.
Blue is relaxing and as expansive as the sky. When you are relaxed, your creativity can flow from your subconscious into your conscious mind. There is great productivity in rest.
Green is pervasive in the natural world. It promotes healing, symbolizing growth and fresh, new life. In most cultures spring is the season of optimism.
Yellow is the color of sunshine and represents enlightenment.
Purple rests in balance between red and blue. It inspires you to feel regal and empowered.
Orange is the color of cheerfulness and activity. You don't need to paint your room orange, but I recommend placing something orange on your desk to make you smile.
Brown is earth-toned and grounding, generating stability.
White is cleanliness and purity, inspiring you to de-clutter and start anew.
Black is authoritative and powerful, associated with a sense of mystery and depth.
Of course, there is an important qualifier: All of this depends on the personal associations you have with color. If you had a good experience or received good news while wearing a particular color, then you will have positive associations. However, if you were abused while wearing a cheerful color, you will have negative associations.
Ultimately, when you express your personal style or your mindset, think about the message you wish to transmit to others, because subliminally color transmits emotion and energy. Also, be alert to the energy you are absorbing. We all have a favorite color or two, but don't get locked into that one color. When it concerns the vast range of your personality and the expansiveness of your identity, think rainbow.
Color impacts every living organism, directly affecting tissues and biological functions. The way the retina responds to color affects the nervous system, and healthy tissue absorbs color differently than diseased tissue. Color can stimulate or inhibit hormone production. In stress management, addressing the five senses creates a powerful synergy for relaxation. For example, combining music with walking outdoors in the light reduces intense stress, and breathing deeply while visualizing the color green promotes healing -- the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Color therapy can be effective because it doesn't rely on words, and we all know how words can rationalize anything. Color releases intimate feelings; your color choices reveal significant details about personality. For example, if your color choices are in sync with your partner's, then your relationship is most likely in sync. However, the more you dislike a color that your partner prefers, the more stimulating the connection. Moreover, smart negotiators know that you can save yourself a lot of purposeless, repetitive arguing by moving the "discussion" to another room painted in a different color. The energy has changed.
What is the color of your relationship? Use the color chart below to interpret or make changes to the way you color your relationship.
Red is bold, energetic, and conspicuous. In many cultures, red is used to chase away evil spirits, suggesting confidence. You are more likely to be alert and accurate about what you are doing.
Blue is relaxing and as expansive as the sky. When you are relaxed, your creativity can flow from your subconscious into your conscious mind. There is great productivity in rest.
Green is pervasive in the natural world. It promotes healing, symbolizing growth and fresh, new life. In most cultures spring is the season of optimism.
Yellow is the color of sunshine and represents enlightenment.
Purple rests in balance between red and blue. It inspires you to feel regal and empowered.
Orange is the color of cheerfulness and activity. You don't need to paint your room orange, but I recommend placing something orange on your desk to make you smile.
Brown is earth-toned and grounding, generating stability.
White is cleanliness and purity, inspiring you to de-clutter and start anew.
Black is authoritative and powerful, associated with a sense of mystery and depth.
Of course, there is an important qualifier: All of this depends on the personal associations you have with color. If you had a good experience or received good news while wearing a particular color, then you will have positive associations. However, if you were abused while wearing a cheerful color, you will have negative associations.
Ultimately, when you express your personal style or your mindset, think about the message you wish to transmit to others, because subliminally color transmits emotion and energy. Also, be alert to the energy you are absorbing. We all have a favorite color or two, but don't get locked into that one color. When it concerns the vast range of your personality and the expansiveness of your identity, think rainbow.
Six Relationship-Ending Dating Behaviors
Finding the one to share a relationship with is a blessing. Once you've bonded with this special someone, keep in mind that respecting your partner's privacy and retaining trust are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. If you cross certain behavioral boundaries that violate your partner's trust, you may cause irreparable damage to your relationship.
As a dating coach, I'm not usually a fan of hard and fast "rules" for relationships. I've, nevertheless, identified widespread behaviors which will likely end any relationship. So to help you ensure that you don't breach the "trust" boundary in your relationship, here are six detrimental dating behaviors that should always be avoided:
1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile? The answer to all of these is "No!". You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails.
2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go.
3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again.
4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you.
5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner.
6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message.
So even if you have some type of "intuition" that your partner is hiding something from you, it's better to engage in a confrontation with him/her openly rather than searching for answers secretly. Even if your partner doesn't respond to your attempts to talk about it the first, second, or third time, chances are that you'll eventually discuss it -- and the outcome of voicing your suspicions honestly with your partner will always be better than if your partner discovers you engaged in any of the behaviors I've talked about.
As a dating coach, I'm not usually a fan of hard and fast "rules" for relationships. I've, nevertheless, identified widespread behaviors which will likely end any relationship. So to help you ensure that you don't breach the "trust" boundary in your relationship, here are six detrimental dating behaviors that should always be avoided:
1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile? The answer to all of these is "No!". You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails.
2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go.
3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again.
4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you.
5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner.
6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message.
So even if you have some type of "intuition" that your partner is hiding something from you, it's better to engage in a confrontation with him/her openly rather than searching for answers secretly. Even if your partner doesn't respond to your attempts to talk about it the first, second, or third time, chances are that you'll eventually discuss it -- and the outcome of voicing your suspicions honestly with your partner will always be better than if your partner discovers you engaged in any of the behaviors I've talked about.
No matter how much love exists in your relationship, it cannot survive without trust. Violating someone's trust will never take a relationship to a better place. In fact, by doing so, you may very well be single-handedly orchestrating the end of what could have been a fantastic relationship. Also, keep in mind that I didn't mention the most obvious relationship-ending behavior to avoid: cheating.
Everything You Know About Affairs Is Wrong
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." "People cheat when they're unhappy at home." "If your mate cheats, you'll know." We've all heard these bits of conventional wisdom; they're comforting, in a strange way. But they're all wrong, say the experts who study infidelity. What's worse, believing these myths can do a lot of harm, because it gets in the way of your preventing, spotting, and recovering from infidelity. (Yes, recovering -- contrary to popular belief, an affair doesn't have to destroy a relationship.) We've unraveled the latest research so you can protect your relationship with the facts.More Dating Articles from Redbook:
Five Things Super Happy Couples Do Every Day
Would You Know If Your Man Cheated?Myth #1: There's a "cheater" profile.
The reality: With the right trigger circumstances, anyone is susceptible to cheating. "There are as many different profiles as there are people who have affairs," says Douglas Snyder, Ph.D., a couples therapist and a professor of psychology at Texas A and M University. Yet the myth persists that there's a recognizable "type" of person who's unfaithful. That's why it took Linda Mitchell, 43, a personal trainer in Monroe, OH, by such surprise when she found out her first mate was having an affair. "He never did anything to lead me to think he would cheat," she says. "He'd bring me flowers, tell me how beautiful I was and what a great partner I was."
While some people are chronic philanderers, it's more common to unintentionally wind up in an affair. "People who have accidental affairs have no thoughts of being unfaithful," says Snyder. "It's not even consistent with their values system, but the opportunity presents itself." Maybe a coworker hits on you during a business trip when you're stressed, or your cute handyman compliments you when you're getting over a fight with your mate.
"Here's the best way to prevent affairs: Rather than saying, 'We will never have one,' instead think of the kind of person, situation and mood that would make you vulnerable," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a marital therapist and author of "Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage." Maybe you're so nurturing that you'd be vulnerable helping a neighbor whose wife just died, while your fun-loving sister would be susceptible during a trip to Las Vegas. It may feel contrived or scary, but having this tough conversation with your partner can help you both recognize chancy situations and be on guard.
You can also stay in safe territory with friends of the opposite sex by not confiding personal things, like airing complaints about your mate, and not keeping anything about those friendships secret. "You know you've crossed a line if you don't want your mate to know about whatever you're talking about with this person," says Tina Pittman Wagers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. "If it starts feeling like that, then you need to pull back and reestablish closeness with your mate."Myth #2: It's men who cheat.
The reality: While baby-boomer men do cheat more, women in their 20s and 30s have affairs just as frequently as men their age, according to new research. One reason: More women are working. When you have a job, you've got more financial freedom, which could make you more comfortable taking a gamble with your relationship. You also have opportunity; around 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men who have affairs cheat with someone from work.Myth #3: Long-term boredom leads to an affair.
The reality: Michael, 34, a lawyer in Tampa, says his wife started having an affair before the couple's two-year anniversary. "I never, ever thought that would happen," says Michael. Yet the so-called honeymoon period is actually a high-risk time for infidelity. "More people have affairs the first two years of marriage than any other time," says McCarthy. Women may experiment with a comparison affair: Would I be better off with this guy? Did I make a mistake in marrying my spouse? Men, on the other hand, are likely to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their relationship. Thanks to their upbringing or their circle of friends, they may believe that's just what guys do.
An early affair may be just a last fling that a couple can work through, but it's more likely a wake-up call to a person that his or her partner has a fundamentally different model of monogamy, says Wagers. Still, newlywed affairs don't have to spell doom. If both partners decide that they want to give their union another shot, it's important to figure out what factors contributed to the affair and whether there's any hope for changing them.Myth #4: A man is driven to infidelity when he's not happy in his relationship.
The reality: It's true that the majority of women who've had an affair reported being physically and emotionally disengaged from their partners for at least a year before the affair. But more than half of men involved in affairs reported being happy or very happy in their marriages prior to cheating, according to a survey by the late Shirley Glass, Ph.D., noted infidelity researcher and author of NOT "Just Friends." Lots of other factors weigh into a guy's decision to start an affair, including chemistry, opportunity and poor impulse control. "I counseled a couple where the husband's younger coworker made a pass at him when they were at a conference and he accepted," says Wagers. "Even though he felt close to his wife and he felt like he had a good marriage, he was excited and flattered that this woman who was 15 years younger found him attractive."
Many cheaters do blame their actions on a less-than-perfect home life, but researchers say they're just rewriting history. "Often times these are retrospective reports that are now having to justify how it is that the partner violated vows," says Snyder. Granted, lots of cheaters are unhappy on some level in their marriages. But so are many men and women who don't have affairs. "Infidelity isn't the only road," says Wagers. "If you're not satisfied in your marriage, you might also be driven to talk to your partner." That's why therapists say it's so important to stay in touch with each other. For you, that might mean setting aside 20 minutes every night to talk about your day, your differences and your dreams. "It's the whole idea of staying close to your spouse," says Wagers. "The more disconnected you get from the relationship, the easier it is to slide down the slippery slope of infidelity."Myth #5: Adulterers find lasting happiness with their affair partners.
The reality: No matter how blissful they feel, affair pairings rarely get to happily ever after. A whopping 75 percent of affair partners who marry end up divorced. For one thing, the qualities that attract you to an affair partner -- like impulsiveness or extravagance -- might be the polar opposite of what makes you happy long-term. And during affairs, lovers are under the spell of chemical changes in their bodies that make them feel euphoric -- feelings that are exaggerated even more by the secrets they're keeping. They're in a type of fantasy world, focusing only on each other and not getting bogged down in day-to-day stuff like bills and child rearing. "Somebody may seem like a soul mate when it's all fresh and shiny," says Wagers. "But you can't assume the new-car smell is going to last 15 years."Myth #6: Betrayed partners know on some level when their partners are fooling around.
The reality: In many cases, the betrayed mate is totally in the dark. "A lot of cheating partners are really invested in keeping this secret and are very good at lying," says Wagers. So true, says Dayle DeCillo, 39, a mother of five in Mission Viejo, CA, who had zero suspicion that her husband of 11 years was unfaithful -- until she discovered him with another woman. "I was blindsided," she says. "He was a paramedic and firefighter, and was gone a lot, either 'working' or 'working out.' I was never concerned he wasn't where he said he was."
DeCillo simply made the same assumptions most people do: You assume you're trustworthy and your mate is, too. The possibility that he could stray isn't even on your mind, so you don't get suspicious if he says he has to work late or go on a golf trip with his buddies. Usually it's not until the affair is out in the open that the betrayed mate can go back and give new meaning to history.
It's also common after an affair is exposed for the betrayed mate to feel like he or she is facing a new truth: You never can be sure whether your partner will cheat. In reality, it's a truth that was there all along.Five essential tips to prevent infidelity:
1. Be each other's number one confidant. You shouldn't be sharing private thoughts with others that you're not sharing with your mate.
2. Make time to connect on a regular basis. Daily moments of connection help you build a sense of togetherness and shared purpose.
3. Don't let family time squeeze out just-the-two-of-you time. Relationships that are too child-centered are at high risk for an affair.
4. Recognize when you're temporarily attracted to someone else. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship -- or that you have to act on it.
5. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your relationship. If you're ever tempted and don't feel like you can tell your mate, you'll have someone else to confide in who will steer you straight. And if one of you does stray, you'll have a strong support network to help you put your relationship back together.
Five Things Super Happy Couples Do Every Day
Would You Know If Your Man Cheated?Myth #1: There's a "cheater" profile.
The reality: With the right trigger circumstances, anyone is susceptible to cheating. "There are as many different profiles as there are people who have affairs," says Douglas Snyder, Ph.D., a couples therapist and a professor of psychology at Texas A and M University. Yet the myth persists that there's a recognizable "type" of person who's unfaithful. That's why it took Linda Mitchell, 43, a personal trainer in Monroe, OH, by such surprise when she found out her first mate was having an affair. "He never did anything to lead me to think he would cheat," she says. "He'd bring me flowers, tell me how beautiful I was and what a great partner I was."
While some people are chronic philanderers, it's more common to unintentionally wind up in an affair. "People who have accidental affairs have no thoughts of being unfaithful," says Snyder. "It's not even consistent with their values system, but the opportunity presents itself." Maybe a coworker hits on you during a business trip when you're stressed, or your cute handyman compliments you when you're getting over a fight with your mate.
"Here's the best way to prevent affairs: Rather than saying, 'We will never have one,' instead think of the kind of person, situation and mood that would make you vulnerable," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a marital therapist and author of "Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage." Maybe you're so nurturing that you'd be vulnerable helping a neighbor whose wife just died, while your fun-loving sister would be susceptible during a trip to Las Vegas. It may feel contrived or scary, but having this tough conversation with your partner can help you both recognize chancy situations and be on guard.
You can also stay in safe territory with friends of the opposite sex by not confiding personal things, like airing complaints about your mate, and not keeping anything about those friendships secret. "You know you've crossed a line if you don't want your mate to know about whatever you're talking about with this person," says Tina Pittman Wagers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. "If it starts feeling like that, then you need to pull back and reestablish closeness with your mate."Myth #2: It's men who cheat.
The reality: While baby-boomer men do cheat more, women in their 20s and 30s have affairs just as frequently as men their age, according to new research. One reason: More women are working. When you have a job, you've got more financial freedom, which could make you more comfortable taking a gamble with your relationship. You also have opportunity; around 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men who have affairs cheat with someone from work.Myth #3: Long-term boredom leads to an affair.
The reality: Michael, 34, a lawyer in Tampa, says his wife started having an affair before the couple's two-year anniversary. "I never, ever thought that would happen," says Michael. Yet the so-called honeymoon period is actually a high-risk time for infidelity. "More people have affairs the first two years of marriage than any other time," says McCarthy. Women may experiment with a comparison affair: Would I be better off with this guy? Did I make a mistake in marrying my spouse? Men, on the other hand, are likely to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their relationship. Thanks to their upbringing or their circle of friends, they may believe that's just what guys do.
An early affair may be just a last fling that a couple can work through, but it's more likely a wake-up call to a person that his or her partner has a fundamentally different model of monogamy, says Wagers. Still, newlywed affairs don't have to spell doom. If both partners decide that they want to give their union another shot, it's important to figure out what factors contributed to the affair and whether there's any hope for changing them.Myth #4: A man is driven to infidelity when he's not happy in his relationship.
The reality: It's true that the majority of women who've had an affair reported being physically and emotionally disengaged from their partners for at least a year before the affair. But more than half of men involved in affairs reported being happy or very happy in their marriages prior to cheating, according to a survey by the late Shirley Glass, Ph.D., noted infidelity researcher and author of NOT "Just Friends." Lots of other factors weigh into a guy's decision to start an affair, including chemistry, opportunity and poor impulse control. "I counseled a couple where the husband's younger coworker made a pass at him when they were at a conference and he accepted," says Wagers. "Even though he felt close to his wife and he felt like he had a good marriage, he was excited and flattered that this woman who was 15 years younger found him attractive."
Many cheaters do blame their actions on a less-than-perfect home life, but researchers say they're just rewriting history. "Often times these are retrospective reports that are now having to justify how it is that the partner violated vows," says Snyder. Granted, lots of cheaters are unhappy on some level in their marriages. But so are many men and women who don't have affairs. "Infidelity isn't the only road," says Wagers. "If you're not satisfied in your marriage, you might also be driven to talk to your partner." That's why therapists say it's so important to stay in touch with each other. For you, that might mean setting aside 20 minutes every night to talk about your day, your differences and your dreams. "It's the whole idea of staying close to your spouse," says Wagers. "The more disconnected you get from the relationship, the easier it is to slide down the slippery slope of infidelity."Myth #5: Adulterers find lasting happiness with their affair partners.
The reality: No matter how blissful they feel, affair pairings rarely get to happily ever after. A whopping 75 percent of affair partners who marry end up divorced. For one thing, the qualities that attract you to an affair partner -- like impulsiveness or extravagance -- might be the polar opposite of what makes you happy long-term. And during affairs, lovers are under the spell of chemical changes in their bodies that make them feel euphoric -- feelings that are exaggerated even more by the secrets they're keeping. They're in a type of fantasy world, focusing only on each other and not getting bogged down in day-to-day stuff like bills and child rearing. "Somebody may seem like a soul mate when it's all fresh and shiny," says Wagers. "But you can't assume the new-car smell is going to last 15 years."Myth #6: Betrayed partners know on some level when their partners are fooling around.
The reality: In many cases, the betrayed mate is totally in the dark. "A lot of cheating partners are really invested in keeping this secret and are very good at lying," says Wagers. So true, says Dayle DeCillo, 39, a mother of five in Mission Viejo, CA, who had zero suspicion that her husband of 11 years was unfaithful -- until she discovered him with another woman. "I was blindsided," she says. "He was a paramedic and firefighter, and was gone a lot, either 'working' or 'working out.' I was never concerned he wasn't where he said he was."
DeCillo simply made the same assumptions most people do: You assume you're trustworthy and your mate is, too. The possibility that he could stray isn't even on your mind, so you don't get suspicious if he says he has to work late or go on a golf trip with his buddies. Usually it's not until the affair is out in the open that the betrayed mate can go back and give new meaning to history.
It's also common after an affair is exposed for the betrayed mate to feel like he or she is facing a new truth: You never can be sure whether your partner will cheat. In reality, it's a truth that was there all along.Five essential tips to prevent infidelity:
1. Be each other's number one confidant. You shouldn't be sharing private thoughts with others that you're not sharing with your mate.
2. Make time to connect on a regular basis. Daily moments of connection help you build a sense of togetherness and shared purpose.
3. Don't let family time squeeze out just-the-two-of-you time. Relationships that are too child-centered are at high risk for an affair.
4. Recognize when you're temporarily attracted to someone else. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship -- or that you have to act on it.
5. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your relationship. If you're ever tempted and don't feel like you can tell your mate, you'll have someone else to confide in who will steer you straight. And if one of you does stray, you'll have a strong support network to help you put your relationship back together.
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